Today is sunday, sabbath day. i attended church with my hubby and kids. the worship part is not that bad. at least the kids did not bug me like previous weeks. i could not attend the sermon part. as yongqi refuse to let his precious mummy off. so i was in the sunday school with my dear son...everything seemed ok... until lunch time. i just blew ouyt of sudden when my kids got distracted by the cake displayed on the dining table, started to refuse their lunch...
after then, we had a short cell meeting to settle some admin matters and bried recap on sermon. looking at Yuxin, Jiafu and Huilan;s little fellow, i started to have deep but beyond my understanding thoughts. (sound ridiculous?) She is soooo cute!
I signed up for tambourine course at church. as my vision for my worship leading is to do so with tambourine. thus i love to get the hang of this weapon of GOD. Some sisters from other church joined us. among them, one is a two months pregnant young lady. not knowing why, i just cant get my attention off her... how i envy her...
why am i going thru all these? why am i like this? i dun know. but i really must thank God for my two pretty children. God is good enough to me i would say. but maybe deep in me, i want more children...
recently have the thought of wanting more than 3 kids... perhaps 4 or 5. but dw said that is too tight for singapore family, especially for single breadwinner family. i agree.. but hey i have a sister in Christ who has 6 children ley... hehehe... i think i am getting more and more hungry for having another child...
one resolution i want to make now. i am to be a pretty and happy expecting mummy if i am to get pregnant. my previous two expecting experiences were horrible. Grumpy, sloppy and angry... till people around me all scared of me.
Really my Lord, please give me another child. but the most important of all, my God, let the pregnancy be smooth and successful, and the baby be healthy and normal. In Jesus name, Amen!
(what i have gone thru made me somehow understand how couples without kids feel. I am now so burdened to pray for them.)
我的骄傲！
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Yongle Found in Heaven...
最 近 教 会 姐 妹 赠 送 了 一 本 “Jesse Found in Heaven” 的 书 籍。 作 者 是 一 个 曾 经 流 产 的 母 亲。 事 隔 多 年 后， 她 偶 然 在 一 本 书 籍 里 读 到 原 来 每 一 个 流 产 、 被 堕 或 死 去的 胎 儿 在 天 父 那 里， 正 等 待 与 母 亲 相 聚。 之 后， 她 自 己 在 异 象 中 也 看 见 了 自 己 失 去 的 儿 子 站 在 耶 稣 的 旁 边。 主 要 她 将 自 己 的 经 历 记 录 下 来， 好 鼓 励 其 他 和 她 一 样 失 去 骨 肉 的 妇 女。
我 想 这 本 书 多 多 少 少 帮 助 了 我， 虽 然 我 在 之 前 已 经 知 道 失 去 的 孩 子 已 在 主 那 里 了。 但 是， 它 却 让 我 不 再 隐 藏 心 里 的 悲 伤。。。
自 从 去 年 十 一 月 十 九 日 失 去 胎 儿 后， 我 告 诉 自 己 主 所 做 的 每 一 件 事 都 是 好 的。 我 不 允 许 我 自 己 陷 入 自 怜 或 悲 伤 当 中。 我 在 手 术 后 的 第 而 天 便 外 出， 第 五 天 就 往 马 国 跑， 一 周 后 就 去 渡 假 屋 渡 假， 也 顺 便 庆 祝 自 己 的 生 日。 一 连 串 的 忙 碌， 或 许 是 自 己 在 逃 避、 麻 醉 自 己， 好 让 自 己 不 好 再 去 想 这 件 事。 我 告 诉 自 己， 神 很 快， 在 今 年 里， 就 会 再 赐 我 另 一 个 孩 子。。。 说 不 定， 他 会 将 永 乐 还 给 我。。。
如 今4 个 月 过 去 了。 我 的 月 经 一 直 没 有 回 来。 迹 象 也 显 示 我 似 乎 没 有 排 卵。 但 是 我 不 愿 失 去 每 一 个 百 分 之 点 一 的 可 能 性。 我 几 乎 每 一 个 月 都 验 尿， 当 然， 结 果 都 是 令 人 失 望 的。
就 这 样， 安 慰 自 己， 盼 望， 失 望。 安 慰 自 己， 盼 望， 失 望。。。 一 个 月， 一 个 月， 又 一 个 月。。
另 一 方 面， 手 机 里 头 的reminder alarm 一 直 提 醒 自 己 若 是 永 乐 还 在 他 已 是 多 大 的 胎 儿。 让 我 不 禁 非 常 挂 念 胎 儿。 算 算， 永 乐 的 预 产 期 其 实 会 靠 近 我 的 结 婚 周 年。 若 他 健 在， 他 便 是 我 俩 今 年 结 婚 周 年 最 好 的 礼 物。
看 了 “Jesse found in heaven” 后， 以 下 是 我 的 祷 告：
主 啊
听 说 永 乐 在 祢 那 里。
祢 会 帮 我 照 顾 他，
直 到 我 见 祢 面 时，
祢 会 把 他 还 给 我。。。
主 啊
请 代 我 传 话。
帮 我 告 诉 永 乐 妈 妈 很 爱 他，
也 很 想 念 他。
我 盼 望 早 日 与 他 重 逢，
把 他 紧 抱 在 怀 中，
大 力 亲 吻 他，
全 心 保 护 他。。。
只 是 在 地 上，
他 还 有 咏 恩 姐 姐
和 勇 齐 哥 哥。
他 们 都 需 要 我。
若 我 走 了 离 开 他 们，
地 上 就 没 有 比 我 更 适 合 的 人 选 来 做 他 们 的 妈 妈 了。
因 为 对 在 地 上 的 孩 子 来 说，
妈 妈 是 重 要 的。
而 他， 我 的 小 永 乐，
有 耶 稣 和 天 使 疼 惜。
那 肯 定 比 我 的 照 料 更 加 好。
因 此，
我 想 我 还 是 在 地 上 照 顾 咏 恩 和 勇 齐，
同 时 带 着 盼 望 期 待 的 心，
等 我 在 地 上 的 日 子 满 了，
回 到 天 家 时，
才 与 他， 我 的 永 乐，
团 聚。
主 啊，
求 祢 再 对 他 说 一 句，
“妈 妈 好 爱 你！”
我 想 这 本 书 多 多 少 少 帮 助 了 我， 虽 然 我 在 之 前 已 经 知 道 失 去 的 孩 子 已 在 主 那 里 了。 但 是， 它 却 让 我 不 再 隐 藏 心 里 的 悲 伤。。。
自 从 去 年 十 一 月 十 九 日 失 去 胎 儿 后， 我 告 诉 自 己 主 所 做 的 每 一 件 事 都 是 好 的。 我 不 允 许 我 自 己 陷 入 自 怜 或 悲 伤 当 中。 我 在 手 术 后 的 第 而 天 便 外 出， 第 五 天 就 往 马 国 跑， 一 周 后 就 去 渡 假 屋 渡 假， 也 顺 便 庆 祝 自 己 的 生 日。 一 连 串 的 忙 碌， 或 许 是 自 己 在 逃 避、 麻 醉 自 己， 好 让 自 己 不 好 再 去 想 这 件 事。 我 告 诉 自 己， 神 很 快， 在 今 年 里， 就 会 再 赐 我 另 一 个 孩 子。。。 说 不 定， 他 会 将 永 乐 还 给 我。。。
如 今4 个 月 过 去 了。 我 的 月 经 一 直 没 有 回 来。 迹 象 也 显 示 我 似 乎 没 有 排 卵。 但 是 我 不 愿 失 去 每 一 个 百 分 之 点 一 的 可 能 性。 我 几 乎 每 一 个 月 都 验 尿， 当 然， 结 果 都 是 令 人 失 望 的。
就 这 样， 安 慰 自 己， 盼 望， 失 望。 安 慰 自 己， 盼 望， 失 望。。。 一 个 月， 一 个 月， 又 一 个 月。。
另 一 方 面， 手 机 里 头 的reminder alarm 一 直 提 醒 自 己 若 是 永 乐 还 在 他 已 是 多 大 的 胎 儿。 让 我 不 禁 非 常 挂 念 胎 儿。 算 算， 永 乐 的 预 产 期 其 实 会 靠 近 我 的 结 婚 周 年。 若 他 健 在， 他 便 是 我 俩 今 年 结 婚 周 年 最 好 的 礼 物。
看 了 “Jesse found in heaven” 后， 以 下 是 我 的 祷 告：
主 啊
听 说 永 乐 在 祢 那 里。
祢 会 帮 我 照 顾 他，
直 到 我 见 祢 面 时，
祢 会 把 他 还 给 我。。。
主 啊
请 代 我 传 话。
帮 我 告 诉 永 乐 妈 妈 很 爱 他，
也 很 想 念 他。
我 盼 望 早 日 与 他 重 逢，
把 他 紧 抱 在 怀 中，
大 力 亲 吻 他，
全 心 保 护 他。。。
只 是 在 地 上，
他 还 有 咏 恩 姐 姐
和 勇 齐 哥 哥。
他 们 都 需 要 我。
若 我 走 了 离 开 他 们，
地 上 就 没 有 比 我 更 适 合 的 人 选 来 做 他 们 的 妈 妈 了。
因 为 对 在 地 上 的 孩 子 来 说，
妈 妈 是 重 要 的。
而 他， 我 的 小 永 乐，
有 耶 稣 和 天 使 疼 惜。
那 肯 定 比 我 的 照 料 更 加 好。
因 此，
我 想 我 还 是 在 地 上 照 顾 咏 恩 和 勇 齐，
同 时 带 着 盼 望 期 待 的 心，
等 我 在 地 上 的 日 子 满 了，
回 到 天 家 时，
才 与 他， 我 的 永 乐，
团 聚。
主 啊，
求 祢 再 对 他 说 一 句，
“妈 妈 好 爱 你！”
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Heart of Worship
i am looking for the heart of worship....
i am looking for my heart when i do...
cuz without the heart, my worship is worthless...
Monday, March 2, 2009
misses
here i'm back again...
been very tired recently, not knowing y...
did my pregnancy test today... negative! quite disappointed. i thought it would be positive....
yongen has been coughing badly since last thursday. yet today she still went to school cuz it was a field trip to the musuem. think exhibition is abt olden days fashion.
talking abt olden days... i always miss my childhood days... borrowed a book abt olden singapore from the library. it as got man pics and interesting facts... it reminds me last time we used to call carbonated drink as 'pop chwee' hahaha...
and it showed a pic of an indian man tugging a cow to street selling fresh milk!Wow, fresh indeed huh? hahaha...
i love to go back to my childhood environment. i really do. i miss those flats, trees, even smell and noise.. of course my beloved grandma, her smile and her voice... but everything is gone. the person and the buildings.. everything. i regretted not taking enough pic of the buildings and environment...
time really flies. grandma left me in 1997, ie 12 years ago!!! wow! it seems like yesterday when i was still playing by her side... if she is still around, she would be 83. and if only she still around, she would see dongwei, witness my wedding and see my children... if she is still around, she would have accepted Jesus... (rather, would i knoW Jesus if grandma is still around? )
FEEL LIKE TALKING TO HER ONCE AGAIN
FEEL LIKE SINGING TO HER
FEEL LIKE TEASING HER
SO THAT I COULD SEE HER SMILE AGAIN.
FORGOT TO HOLD HER WHEN SHE WAS WITH ME
FORGOT TO KISS HER
FORGOT TO SAY HOW MUCH I LOVE HER
UNTIL SHE STAY NO LONGER WITH ME.
IN MY HEART I PRAY
I PRAY IN MY HEART
THE ONLY WAY I COULD EVER SEE HER AGAIN
IS WHEN MY MERCY LORD ALLOWS
TREASURE WHAT YOU HAVE
GIVE THANKS WHENEVER YOU CAN
FORGIVE WHOSOEVER
CUZ ONE DAY YOU WILL MISS ONE ANOTHER
sadness... perhaps due to my disappointment... perhaps due to my loneliness... perhaps due to her death anniversary approaching.. perhaps, no perhaps, just feel so...
been very tired recently, not knowing y...
did my pregnancy test today... negative! quite disappointed. i thought it would be positive....
yongen has been coughing badly since last thursday. yet today she still went to school cuz it was a field trip to the musuem. think exhibition is abt olden days fashion.
talking abt olden days... i always miss my childhood days... borrowed a book abt olden singapore from the library. it as got man pics and interesting facts... it reminds me last time we used to call carbonated drink as 'pop chwee' hahaha...
and it showed a pic of an indian man tugging a cow to street selling fresh milk!Wow, fresh indeed huh? hahaha...
i love to go back to my childhood environment. i really do. i miss those flats, trees, even smell and noise.. of course my beloved grandma, her smile and her voice... but everything is gone. the person and the buildings.. everything. i regretted not taking enough pic of the buildings and environment...
time really flies. grandma left me in 1997, ie 12 years ago!!! wow! it seems like yesterday when i was still playing by her side... if she is still around, she would be 83. and if only she still around, she would see dongwei, witness my wedding and see my children... if she is still around, she would have accepted Jesus... (rather, would i knoW Jesus if grandma is still around? )
FEEL LIKE TALKING TO HER ONCE AGAIN
FEEL LIKE SINGING TO HER
FEEL LIKE TEASING HER
SO THAT I COULD SEE HER SMILE AGAIN.
FORGOT TO HOLD HER WHEN SHE WAS WITH ME
FORGOT TO KISS HER
FORGOT TO SAY HOW MUCH I LOVE HER
UNTIL SHE STAY NO LONGER WITH ME.
IN MY HEART I PRAY
I PRAY IN MY HEART
THE ONLY WAY I COULD EVER SEE HER AGAIN
IS WHEN MY MERCY LORD ALLOWS
TREASURE WHAT YOU HAVE
GIVE THANKS WHENEVER YOU CAN
FORGIVE WHOSOEVER
CUZ ONE DAY YOU WILL MISS ONE ANOTHER
sadness... perhaps due to my disappointment... perhaps due to my loneliness... perhaps due to her death anniversary approaching.. perhaps, no perhaps, just feel so...
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Gift from JESUS
Read my sis’s posting on her blog. Was rather touched and sad. Cuz I felt the same years ago and I could understand her feeling. I was too, holding grudges toward the same person mentioned in her blog. But the Lord, changed me. Was still remember how I was crying to the Lord, asking Him to help me love him more….
Since I come to know Jesus, He has given me two greatest of all gifts, ie. LOVE and HOPE.
He gave me strength to forgive and love the person whom I hated most in my life. HE make me love him so much that I want to do things that please him. And I realized that, he is also a victim of the darkness, which he himself doesn’t know. I feel sad for him, really.
Another gift is HOPE. I remember 12 years ago when my beloved grandma passed away, I was so depressed. I was so upset that I would not be able to see my grandma again. Last November, I lost my fetus, but I was hopeful, cuz I know that one day when I get to meet Jesus, HE will return the fetus to me… well, who knows, maybe my Lord will return him to me even before I meet HIM! I believe, nothing is impossible to HIM! AMEN.
During Chinese new year visitation, I teared too without anyone knowing. I teared when I saw my uncle lying on the mattress, looking so weak and helpless and sick. He was the uncle who took care of me with my grandma when I was young, the uncle who doted me, served me like a princess when I was young. When I attempted to woke him from his sleep, wanting to ask yongen to address him ‘ lao chek’ , I felt the pinch in my heart. It was so heartache…just like my poem… ‘the young one will grow old, the old one will go weak…’
I thank God. Really thank HIM. Cuz shuilin and shuiting have turned to the Lord. And now they have grown up. Both are doing well in their own areas. At least, I have done my best to what I have promised my ah ma, to take care of them. The only one who still left me worried is their brother. Lord, please help this boy to come to YOU!
Since I come to know Jesus, He has given me two greatest of all gifts, ie. LOVE and HOPE.
He gave me strength to forgive and love the person whom I hated most in my life. HE make me love him so much that I want to do things that please him. And I realized that, he is also a victim of the darkness, which he himself doesn’t know. I feel sad for him, really.
Another gift is HOPE. I remember 12 years ago when my beloved grandma passed away, I was so depressed. I was so upset that I would not be able to see my grandma again. Last November, I lost my fetus, but I was hopeful, cuz I know that one day when I get to meet Jesus, HE will return the fetus to me… well, who knows, maybe my Lord will return him to me even before I meet HIM! I believe, nothing is impossible to HIM! AMEN.
During Chinese new year visitation, I teared too without anyone knowing. I teared when I saw my uncle lying on the mattress, looking so weak and helpless and sick. He was the uncle who took care of me with my grandma when I was young, the uncle who doted me, served me like a princess when I was young. When I attempted to woke him from his sleep, wanting to ask yongen to address him ‘ lao chek’ , I felt the pinch in my heart. It was so heartache…just like my poem… ‘the young one will grow old, the old one will go weak…’
I thank God. Really thank HIM. Cuz shuilin and shuiting have turned to the Lord. And now they have grown up. Both are doing well in their own areas. At least, I have done my best to what I have promised my ah ma, to take care of them. The only one who still left me worried is their brother. Lord, please help this boy to come to YOU!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
blog is revived!
hahaha... my sis set up her blog recently, tempting me to imply cpr to my blog and finally it is revived!
It has been so long since i last wrote here... I am writing in English now cuz my chinese program is encounting some problem. I am unable to activate it once i am online.. eeeeerrr..... so do bear with my english standard huh...
chinese new year is 2 days away from now. I am always excited like a kid for this season. i remembered myself crying in front of my mum at the end of the cny when i was 19 or 20 year old! omg!!!!
time really flies. i am now mother of 2 fellow, 5 yrs and 3 yrs (base on yr... hehe... makan sia as they both are yr end babies) i was pregnant with my third child last sep. unfortunately the foetus did not pull through. i had a miscarriage on 19 nov.
it is sad, really. recently my hp alarm reminded me that if it is still with me, it could have reached 16 weeks soon. i set this reminder alarm to keep track of my pregnancy age when i first found out of the pregnancy. and now it served as a reminder of the tragedy. my friend asked me to delete away the reminder but i decided not to. for a reason, unknown though...
the lost of this pregnancy causes my hubby and i more keen to have another child. we hope to accomplish this mission by 2009, meaning i have to conceive latest march to hae a december baby. Hope that this plan is also my Lord's will...
the lost of foetus is unknown. my gynae told me it was not due to what i had done or eaten. it is in fact common for foetus to stop growing in the first trimester. but maybe i know the reason....
God gave me a vision for this year. HE want me to be a good mother to my children. This makes me ponder how to be a good mother.... eversince i started to work from home, i am no more a good mother.... i have lost my focus....
recently i cried to God, i asked,'Lord, when are you returning me my yongle(the name i gave my lost foetus)?' and i think He answered,'when you are able to cope with the existing ones.' Frankly, i dun think i pass that yet. but for this reason, i will try hard.
dongwei and i agree that once i conceive, i will quit my current work from home job. my boss is supportive to the plan. but in order to be able to cope with the two and be a good mother so that God will give the third one, do i have to quit earlier?!?! May God guide me.
have been active in facebook recently. all pictures are posted in there and things are updated there almost daily. if you would like to visit me at my facebook, simply find me via my email jeslow@singnet.com.sg
i hope that in 2009, my relationship with my Lord will be closer. I really love to love my God with whole of my heart. I want to cling unto HIM no matter what happen.
Last but not least, God, thank you for all things that had happen in 2008. be it good or bad, YOU are by my side and that is the most important of all!
It has been so long since i last wrote here... I am writing in English now cuz my chinese program is encounting some problem. I am unable to activate it once i am online.. eeeeerrr..... so do bear with my english standard huh...
chinese new year is 2 days away from now. I am always excited like a kid for this season. i remembered myself crying in front of my mum at the end of the cny when i was 19 or 20 year old! omg!!!!
time really flies. i am now mother of 2 fellow, 5 yrs and 3 yrs (base on yr... hehe... makan sia as they both are yr end babies) i was pregnant with my third child last sep. unfortunately the foetus did not pull through. i had a miscarriage on 19 nov.
it is sad, really. recently my hp alarm reminded me that if it is still with me, it could have reached 16 weeks soon. i set this reminder alarm to keep track of my pregnancy age when i first found out of the pregnancy. and now it served as a reminder of the tragedy. my friend asked me to delete away the reminder but i decided not to. for a reason, unknown though...
the lost of this pregnancy causes my hubby and i more keen to have another child. we hope to accomplish this mission by 2009, meaning i have to conceive latest march to hae a december baby. Hope that this plan is also my Lord's will...
the lost of foetus is unknown. my gynae told me it was not due to what i had done or eaten. it is in fact common for foetus to stop growing in the first trimester. but maybe i know the reason....
God gave me a vision for this year. HE want me to be a good mother to my children. This makes me ponder how to be a good mother.... eversince i started to work from home, i am no more a good mother.... i have lost my focus....
recently i cried to God, i asked,'Lord, when are you returning me my yongle(the name i gave my lost foetus)?' and i think He answered,'when you are able to cope with the existing ones.' Frankly, i dun think i pass that yet. but for this reason, i will try hard.
dongwei and i agree that once i conceive, i will quit my current work from home job. my boss is supportive to the plan. but in order to be able to cope with the two and be a good mother so that God will give the third one, do i have to quit earlier?!?! May God guide me.
have been active in facebook recently. all pictures are posted in there and things are updated there almost daily. if you would like to visit me at my facebook, simply find me via my email jeslow@singnet.com.sg
i hope that in 2009, my relationship with my Lord will be closer. I really love to love my God with whole of my heart. I want to cling unto HIM no matter what happen.
Last but not least, God, thank you for all things that had happen in 2008. be it good or bad, YOU are by my side and that is the most important of all!
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