$$$的牢骚

记得当年读书时，拿的是父母给的零用钱， 记得小二时妈妈会递给我一张十元，忘了是一星期或多久给一次。。。然后渐渐地，零用钱“涨价”到$20。中学时代是一星期$50,包括车资与午餐和文具、书籍开销等。理工学院时期，父亲会一次过存$1,000 入我的户口，每年的一月和七月就会这么作。


每回拿钱时，都会觉得非常“委屈”。因为每次都会有被“威胁”的感觉，印象是要拿他们的钱就得要听他们的话。而且每次花钱就会想到妈妈常提醒的话“赚钱不易，不要乱花钱！”我心里总是渴望自己能够快些出来工作赚钱，这样就无需向父母拿钱了。。。

还记得当年的我充满抱负。希望自己将来在事业上要有所成就，赚大钱，可以买公寓给妈妈，给妈妈很多零用钱，请嬷嬷去馆子吃饭，买车代步，载送嬷嬷和妈妈去兜风,买很多玩具给堂弟妹们。。。我也想把自己打扮得漂漂亮亮，不要结婚，不要被捆锁，享受自由的生活。。。

十五岁那年，通过亲戚的介绍，我到乌节路的一件饮食店作侍应生。每天都要开工，每天作十个钟头，一个月大概赚取$600。所以算起来，整个年底假期，我一共赚了$900! 哇，当时候的我觉得这数目是大的罗！

$900，扣除了自己的交通费用后，我请了嬷嬷和姑妈到肥仔荣海鲜馆子吃饭，买了玩具给我的堂弟妹玩，为我的一位自小被欺压虐待，没穿过新衣服的表哥梳妆一番。我带他去剪头发、买新衣裤和腰带，还有新皮鞋。他当时好开心喔！见到他开心，我也感到满足。:) 当然，我也把部分钱花在自己身上，其余的存入银行。

理工学院毕业后，我终于可以花自己赚的钱了。可惜，当时嬷嬷已经离开了。。这是我的遗憾！ :(

出来的第一份工作是Personnel consultant. 原本是到该agency找工作，没想到却被他们recruit加入他们。在这间公司作了大概3个月，觉得自己还不够“老练”，与顾客和求职者沟通时没有技巧和“熟度”，所以很多时候都被他们呼来唤去，象傀儡般地被操控。。所以便决定离开。

第二份工作是6个月的合约项目。当年Disney 在新加坡有维持3个月的大型演出兼佳年华会 Disneyfest SIngapore。我在里头被雇为Admin assistant to Director。衔头不错，因为有Director撑腰，大家都要给面子。但是行政工作却是呆板。老板是个大好人，对我没什么要求。大多数时候是去机场接老外（从美国、澳州等国家来的）、安排他们的住宿与交通，帮助他们申请工作证等。。还有一些琐碎的行政工作。。。

记得6个月约满后，老板有邀请我与团队一起到台湾去（他们演出的下一站）。但是我告诉他，若我还是要作同样的行政东西，那我不去了。。。哈，我在想，我若当年跟去了，结果会如何呢？可能会正式进入Disney公司 （我假期打工期间也在Disney工作过罗），或可能嫁给其中一个老外。。。（我有个跟去的同事就是这样）

之后，我进入金融公司当“讨债鬼” (credit executive)。当中遇见几个好同事，现今仍联络。只是讨债生活叫我“看透红尘”！哈哈哈。。。厌倦了commercial的一切，想要转去做些与教会有关联的事务。

当时，教会属下的学生中心正需要老师。老实说，当时的我很讨厌小孩，因此我从没有想过要进入这个行业。但是，由于我目的是要做教会的事务，所以便答应了。一做就是4 年的时间！在当中，我学到好多好多。。。这份工作是给我最大满足感的工作！ :) 之后由于一些变化，我转到教会做行政人员。

在进入教会学生中心工作之前，我的开销很大。每周都会至少看一部电影，吃一顿大餐。每两到三个月就会上理发院给头发“进补”（难怪某某先生说我的头发迷人！哈！现在$有限，整个头好象“夏枯草”一样！！若他真的当年是因我的头发着迷，他现在一定很后悔！）

当年的理想、志愿，与现在的一切远远不及！我现在还是需要看人的脸色花钱！！！ 唉！！！！大大的唉哉呀！！！！一天工作待命24小时，即使是想出外偷闲也只能去不超过3个钟头，除非我把“任务”带在身边，我才可能去和“猪朋狗友”鬼混鬼混！头发嘛，剪短了，因天气和忙碌关系。同时也好看过一头长长的“夏枯草”。最多每一、两个月理一次头发，每次$12。

现在不要说给父母什么回馈，父母还要“倒贴”钱为我买食物做月子（我们要还但他们不肯收），我难得回娘家时，父亲还会塞钱给我搭德士回家。前阵子，父亲还说要订羊奶给勇齐喝，我实在不敢接受。。。

我觉得自己的的理想是多么的风光荣耀，但现实中，我最终走的路却是如此“卑微”的。昨天晚上我回想为什么会这样，是什么使得自己放下了起初的目标？若今天我把孩子们“丢”进托儿中心，自己出去工作赚钱，有了自己的钱，就可以让随己意让孩子们学钢琴、参加图工班，买玩具给孩子，带他们去玩、去吃，孩子们和丈夫会不会更开心呢？还是他们会宁可妈妈在家里陪伴他们呢？

我想，人活着不是为了吃喝玩乐。我在意我的孩子将来的救恩。我曾说过我的孩子是我的门徒，我要亲自带领他们，教导他们人生的一切。我想这就是我选择这道路的原因吧！我选择今天花钱时看人的脸色，因为我不愿在当我们老时，我们需要看孩子们的脸色。不禁让我联想，现今这么多人指责孩子们把老父母送进养老院，但为什么人们却不觉得父母将孩子们放在托儿中心有问题呢？其实，它们的运作大概相似，让外人看管自己的至亲，不是吗？

Pets

hasnt blogged for almost a month... kekeke... paiseh! sorry to my faithful readers... was quite busy then... those who added me in their facebook would know that my son Yongqi was not well for a week. he had run high fever and my hubby and i (me esp) were super stressed! But thank God, he is well and healthy now... and his nonsense proves that he has regained all his “元气”! kekeke...

other than that, i have now two more babies to take care. my dad in law bought my yongen two lil hamsters... and attend to them become part of my motherhood task, of cuz, not forgetting to remind yongen they are her pets thus she needs to participate in all cleaning and maintanence job.

i was rather reluctant, in fact full of complain, when my father in law (FIL) brought home the two hamsters. i was thinking i am already busy enough with my three children and now i have two more to take care.. and i think there are more reasons hiding in me which i didnt know till now...

i was ( or maybe 'am') animals lover. i remember when i was young, i would go around confronting those who were cruel towards their pets or stray animals. when i was about seven or eight yrs old, i saw a bigger than me boy tugging a dog with a straw string tied to its neck. the poor fellow was growning in pain.. but the boy found it amusing with its cries... i was very pissed then... i ran to that boy, held up the doggy, pull and break the string, turned and walked away with the pup in my arm. the boy was shocked! he chased after me and shouted at me, wanted me to return his dog... after much confrontation, i wanted him to promise not to hurt the dog anymore, then handed him the dog... that boy at that moment was already in tears... he must be thinking, "who is this crazy girl...."

there was another time, there was an injured birdie at my school canteen.. the boys were surrounding it and saying what they would want to do with it... obviously what they said sounded unfriendly to me... thus i confronted them, picked up the birdie and walked away... i remember i handed the birdie to a pet shop keeper and requested him to take good care of it, as i had experienced birdie died under my care within one day... (kekeke)

also, whenever i saw cats or kittens near the road, i would always make sure i carried them to somewhere safe, at least not a place near busy traffic... and i have learnt not to play with cats at the bus stop cuz i thought it would be dangerous if they were to follow me when i board the bus...

i really loved animals! when i was young, i always browse books about animals. But i stopped doing so after one of my uncle told me i should read more enid blyton storybook instead of all these animal books... however, i hardly complete few story books then.. i dun really like to read friction stuff...

once my mum asked me what i wanna be when i grow up. i told her i wanna be a vet. i think to her, a vet is rather borliao thing (well, who knows now a vet earns more than a GP?!?!) thus to discourage me, she said in future the vet's job was to examine the cow and pig etc to see if they are well enough to be slaughtered... wow, she really hit the nail, upon hearing that, i gave up the idea to be a vet. cuz the task she described is the last thing i ever want to do in my entire life!!!

i also liked to keep animals when i was young. i had kept two dogs ( one of it was a dashund, which after nine months with me, eloped with a bitch and that made me cried for almost a year; the other one was a pug bitch, which was i think not well when given to us cuz it was very smelly and my mum couldnt stand it thus we sent it away within a month)...

then i had rabbit. my mum bought it for me after my constant pleading!!! (guess thats what my en did for her pet rabbit and hamsters.. Oh, she has a pet rabbit too at grandma's place) i loved it very much! we kept it in a fish tank... and one morning it died and i remembered i mourned like what till my mum couldnt tahan, she buried the body with me and even burnt joss stick and the 'kim jua' for it... kekeke... she wanted to console me la...

oh before that i oso had hamsters, white mice... oh ya, about 100 white mice! kekeke... my cousin and i kept them in a cupboard box at my granny place (my granny was very scared of mice) and i remembered once when we were watching tv at very late night, we saw one mouse, two, then three, running one by one across the room... and that night we ended up catching and hunting for each and everyone of them, and headcount to ensure we missed not a single of them! kekeke... it was fun!

so many animals i had encountered, i had loved and was hurt due to their death and loss... from then, my mum told me not to keep any cuz she didnt want to see me got hurt when i lost them... and myself also decided too not to keep any animals then and i have learnt to retrieve my love for animals too... so that i wont be hurt.

en's first pair of pets were a pair of terrapins that i bought for her. i thought they were supposed to be the toughest of all animals.. yet they still died! :( i was quite sad when the first one left... then i started to hardened my heart.. when the second one left, i felt almost nothing.

to me fish and terrapins are different from furry warm blooded animals. the later ones tend to engage me more... thus i did not want to keep any warm blooded animals until my FIL bought in the two hamsters.

at first, i tried to hold back my feeling twds these two fellows. until they started to fight and i realised the female has bitten the male one quite badly and everynight the squeaking for help made me frustrated... i suggested my hubby to seperate them but he said no need as he in fact dislike them wanted them to 'go' quickly. but i juz cant bear to see that.. and thank God, my cousin gave me another cage and i seperated the two immediately... at that time the male one was so badly hurt that it had bled le... when i seperated it, the male one was like looking at me and saying 'thank you!' and then it went to a corner and sleep soundly.... in my heart i was thinking, it had been few nights that it hadnt sleep so peacefully le...

now i enjoy sitting by the cage, look at them their behaviours and feed them their favourite carrot. and other then shopping for my children, i also like to shop for toys and snack and stuff for the hamsters!!! i am so crazy into it now.... (haha... think my hubby foresee that thus he so scare to keep them! kekeke...)

well, having these two lil things is quite fun actually. and by changing the cage and playing with them, my bonding with yongen actually grows stronger... looking at her, i see myself when i was young. juz hope that she is able to cope withthe loss better than i do when the day comes...