i wish?!?!

really thank jiayu for telling me that she has been reading my blog. this encourages me, really, make me somehow feel that i am listened and heard...

i know that working will definitely make me busier and makes days easier to pass... sometime i wish that i am working in the bank, for good pay and attracyive bonus. sometime i wish i am working in a student care, for job satisfaction as i have worked in that field before and though it was a job which i never wanted to go into last time, it is the best job that has given me most satisfaction so far... especially when i saw how needy students' lives being changed. sometime i wish i am working in the child care or kindergarten, for i think i may be able to do a good job (hee... looking at how much i can 'manipulate' my children within my fingertips... hehehe). but i know that, if any of the above wishes come true, i will think that i prefer to stay with my kids, accompany them to walk thru their childhood, to grow with them...

i know that i cant be stagnant for all times.. i need to improve and upgrade myself. sometimes i wish i could attend a degree course, to complete my dream and to prove to others that i am not stupid. sometimes i wish to take up diploma in early childhood, to know more about ways to handle young children. sometimes i wish to enhance my knowledge in special learning area, to be able to help those slow learners. sometime i wish i could take up family life education, to help needy families. but i know that i have no money, no availability and capability...

i know that an interest would definitely make me healthier and more confident. sometimes i wish i could join an acting group, to put up more show and performances on stage to satisfy my hunger to be under the spotlight (sound vain, but i am a 'stage person' i love stage). sometimes i wish i could sign up belly dancing or hip hop or folk dance or any dances classes, to dance and let my hair down, as well as shape up my body. sometimes i wish i could i wish i could...but i know i have everlasting wishes that will never be satisfied...

maybe i should be contented with my current lifestyle. morning prepare en to school, then play, teach, tell story or take a walk with qi, watch morning tv (old tcs or even sbc series show), prepare lunch (porridge, rice, noodle..) feed kids, help en with homework, nap them, go online (harvest my farm town), chat online with jasmine, read or nap a while, watch kids program, prepare dinner, feed kids, clean up, shower kids, prepare them to bed, tv and online again, sleep...

i am happy in fact with this simple 'tai tai' life. especially when my kids show me how much they enjoy my companionship. and i would say this is the best thing that keep me from regretting my decision to stay at home.

occasionally, when people from outside, like my old friends, classmates, etc, appear and start talking abt 'foreign' stuffs, i will feel depressed, asking myself what am i doing... i have such reaction because last time i always wanted to be a career woman, a woman who is of high rank in work area with many subordinates, a woman who has high income, drives, quality life, etc etc... soo far from where i am now... and my friends know that i have such dream and they think i would be so 'in future' last time. so now, when they sort of see me staying at home, they couldn't believe it... plus, i find myself more and more ah soh... haiz...

ok, jiayu mention my own life... i do have too especially friday. friday is the day when i send my kids to in law. the day i would let down my hair to go havoc... past weeks i had been to library, browsing thru cook book, terrapins books, family education book and kids managment book. i been to salon too for good hair scrub and cut (will do so again for treatment). i had window shopped. and had been thinking to watch a movie but did not... and coming friday, i am going clubbing at timbre.... but whenever i thought of my poor hubby alone at home, i bit guilty... cuz he works so hard for the family, and finally he decides to put aside work loads every friday to relax, he is left alone at home... sometimes i will spend the friday night with him too. but then, it would be simple dinner and tv or dvd at home. the most luxury is movie with pop corns... but only when there are good movie.

the best is sat morning. recent two sat dw and i went out for morning cycling. from where i stay to pasir ris mac for breakfast, then to the beach along the mangrove to watch the crabs, mud skippers, etc. i treasure the moment. really.

then sat noon will be spent in church for parents group, a group which family educator, mdm carol, will talk on healthy parenthood. after then we will need to fetch our children from in law again. (sometimes if i have more program, dw will do the fetching himself but most time he will complete only half of his mission... en will bully him by not wanting to go home.

sunday morning is church time again. after church, dw will bring the kids home while i stay for my 'cca' (dance training or coffee with my church friends).

ya. thats how i spend my dayssssss... maybe some of you will envy, maybe some of you will sigh... haha... but this is my decision. ya my decision...