haiz haiz haiz

haiz, yongqi is coughing again... his cough.. is like once a month, very regular... so much more regular than my menses lor!!!! whenever he starts to cough, it will be very troublesome.. if not taken care of, his cough will easily become bronchitis. then it will be tough for me to handle... most of the time, i will complain, stress and curse and swear...

this time, his cough is quite sudden outburst one... he was still ok the previous night, yet the next morning his cough got very bad. he was coughing sooooo badly that he hardly slept last night. but one thing good, he is still as naughty and active like he normally behaves... hahaha... its only when the child gets sick, i will appreciate and miss his/her activness and naughty.

last night i was watching the london weight management program. suddenly i have an urge to go back to my london weight package and continue with my 'jian fei' plan. for those who didnt know, i signed up for a package with London weight. After 2 sessions, my weight reduced about 3kg. but before i went for my 3rd session, i tested myself with pregnancy kit and realised i was pregnant. Thus my package was put on hold. my initial plan was to go back again after i give birth. who knows... and now, my plan is still the same. i will go back after i give birth to my next child.

The scene of treatmnt, reminded me the day i found out my pregnancy. that kind of excitment and happiness... i hope i will experience them again soon. haha... in fact, i dreamt i get pregnant again last night. hahaha...

Thanks giving

10 april was Good Friday. I mentioned in my blog that a cousin of mine is acting in a skit in the church. guess what? my friend who supposed to act as her mum had a rashes outbreak on 4 days before the actual performance, which was monday, thus i was asked to takeover the role.

4 days away from the actual thing.. that is to say, we have less than 4 days to practise... hmm this is challenging! i gladly agreed to help cuz acting is my passion.

my cousin came to my place the next two days to practise. and on thursday, the whole team of us stayed over at church to rehearse till 3am. i could still remember joi's stressful face (she was the director of the skit) and my cousin's anxious and guilty face (it was her first time acting on stage for so many audiences and she had difficulty in getting to her role)...

the skit that we were to put up was actually quite sad story. but i think i have a comical face whereby i do not know why the moment i stepped on stage i heard sooooo much laughter... to an extend, i have to really controlled hard not to laugh too... thank God i did not laugh or the whole thing will be ruined.

Praise Lord, the whole thing turned out good. at least i heard no negative but all positive comment. and many said my cousin acted well.. in fact she did... The Holy Spirit has definitely worked in us... even our little 7 yrs old weiteng acted well.. heard that the skit did earn quite a number of tear drop... hahaha...

thank God for everything, really. and also, i would like to give thanks for my wonderful children. i went to the gynae last thursday for my annual check up. the gynae said that my d&c was well performed thus my womb has recovered perfectly. however, i had experienced irregular menses, in fact it was a all along thing... and eversince the D&C last nov, i have not had my menses yet. this is not a good sign as i am anxious to conceive my third child...

the gynae told me i am super lucky to have two children with my condition like that... she said most people who have crazy homones that lead to irrugular menses like mine would have difficulty to conceive... and this is exactly what i know all along even before i got married.. i remember before i married i ever told my hubby about my condition and asked him what should we do if i am unable to conceive... he actually told me we could go for adoption.. (we really seriously thought and talked about this issue before) but by God's Grace, i have two beautiful and wonderful children. that's why yong en's name means to praise God's grace.. this made me realised i have forgotten that my children are by grace, gifts from God... how could i?!?!

i really want to give thanks to my Lord...
Thanks HIM for my wonderful children...
though the gynae once again proves that its difficult for me to conceive,
i still believe God is in control!!!
Thank you Lord,
Amen!

i wish?!?!

really thank jiayu for telling me that she has been reading my blog. this encourages me, really, make me somehow feel that i am listened and heard...

i know that working will definitely make me busier and makes days easier to pass... sometime i wish that i am working in the bank, for good pay and attracyive bonus. sometime i wish i am working in a student care, for job satisfaction as i have worked in that field before and though it was a job which i never wanted to go into last time, it is the best job that has given me most satisfaction so far... especially when i saw how needy students' lives being changed. sometime i wish i am working in the child care or kindergarten, for i think i may be able to do a good job (hee... looking at how much i can 'manipulate' my children within my fingertips... hehehe). but i know that, if any of the above wishes come true, i will think that i prefer to stay with my kids, accompany them to walk thru their childhood, to grow with them...

i know that i cant be stagnant for all times.. i need to improve and upgrade myself. sometimes i wish i could attend a degree course, to complete my dream and to prove to others that i am not stupid. sometimes i wish to take up diploma in early childhood, to know more about ways to handle young children. sometimes i wish to enhance my knowledge in special learning area, to be able to help those slow learners. sometime i wish i could take up family life education, to help needy families. but i know that i have no money, no availability and capability...

i know that an interest would definitely make me healthier and more confident. sometimes i wish i could join an acting group, to put up more show and performances on stage to satisfy my hunger to be under the spotlight (sound vain, but i am a 'stage person' i love stage). sometimes i wish i could sign up belly dancing or hip hop or folk dance or any dances classes, to dance and let my hair down, as well as shape up my body. sometimes i wish i could i wish i could...but i know i have everlasting wishes that will never be satisfied...

maybe i should be contented with my current lifestyle. morning prepare en to school, then play, teach, tell story or take a walk with qi, watch morning tv (old tcs or even sbc series show), prepare lunch (porridge, rice, noodle..) feed kids, help en with homework, nap them, go online (harvest my farm town), chat online with jasmine, read or nap a while, watch kids program, prepare dinner, feed kids, clean up, shower kids, prepare them to bed, tv and online again, sleep...

i am happy in fact with this simple 'tai tai' life. especially when my kids show me how much they enjoy my companionship. and i would say this is the best thing that keep me from regretting my decision to stay at home.

occasionally, when people from outside, like my old friends, classmates, etc, appear and start talking abt 'foreign' stuffs, i will feel depressed, asking myself what am i doing... i have such reaction because last time i always wanted to be a career woman, a woman who is of high rank in work area with many subordinates, a woman who has high income, drives, quality life, etc etc... soo far from where i am now... and my friends know that i have such dream and they think i would be so 'in future' last time. so now, when they sort of see me staying at home, they couldn't believe it... plus, i find myself more and more ah soh... haiz...

ok, jiayu mention my own life... i do have too especially friday. friday is the day when i send my kids to in law. the day i would let down my hair to go havoc... past weeks i had been to library, browsing thru cook book, terrapins books, family education book and kids managment book. i been to salon too for good hair scrub and cut (will do so again for treatment). i had window shopped. and had been thinking to watch a movie but did not... and coming friday, i am going clubbing at timbre.... but whenever i thought of my poor hubby alone at home, i bit guilty... cuz he works so hard for the family, and finally he decides to put aside work loads every friday to relax, he is left alone at home... sometimes i will spend the friday night with him too. but then, it would be simple dinner and tv or dvd at home. the most luxury is movie with pop corns... but only when there are good movie.

the best is sat morning. recent two sat dw and i went out for morning cycling. from where i stay to pasir ris mac for breakfast, then to the beach along the mangrove to watch the crabs, mud skippers, etc. i treasure the moment. really.

then sat noon will be spent in church for parents group, a group which family educator, mdm carol, will talk on healthy parenthood. after then we will need to fetch our children from in law again. (sometimes if i have more program, dw will do the fetching himself but most time he will complete only half of his mission... en will bully him by not wanting to go home.

sunday morning is church time again. after church, dw will bring the kids home while i stay for my 'cca' (dance training or coffee with my church friends).

ya. thats how i spend my dayssssss... maybe some of you will envy, maybe some of you will sigh... haha... but this is my decision. ya my decision...

ACHIEVEMENTS

i thank God for a wonderful night sleep last night. it was good because none of my children came into our room to disturb us. some, in fact, most of the nights, they would take turn to come in to our room, either to attempt to co-sleep with us on our bed, or trying their luck to see if they could get a bottle of milk by making whinning noise... (of course, in order to stop those actions from becoming their habits, we, most of the time me as dw needs to work the next day, will either threaten to cane them, or drag them back to their room and stay there for a while...

last night, it was sooooo peaceful. i remember i sleep till i drooled and snored like what...

this morning the children were very well behaved too. yongen woke up at 645am, asking for milk while yongqi did the same thing at about 7am. after milk, yongen brushed her teeth and washed her face, all by herself. then she changed into her uniform, again all by herself. later then she wore her sock and shoes without giving me any problem. hmm... i like it when my gal does everything herself. she has learnt to be very independant. nowadays, she even shower herself. i will only do a last check to ensure she is clean from dirt stain and soap.

yongqi has achievement too. out of 26 alphabets, he has recognised 14! that is to say, 12 more to go... and with brief intro to numbers, i think he is now able to recognise 2, 5, 7, 8 and 9. hey, i only taught him once from 1 to 9 for about few minutes! he is learning fast! same goes with the alphabets, i only officially introduced A B C E O S the rest G K L M N R T W, he caught them by himself while he points and sing the ABC song, as well as from the playhouse disney's word world and sesame street.

talking about the 'word world', this program has made my gal very interested in spelling. she would try to memorise the spelling of words she sees. now she is able to spell simple words like cat dog pet rat net ball etc wow, i am so proud of my children!

tough 3 months ahead

my cousin will be acting in a simple skit presented by my church for the Good Friday event. She stayed back for some video recording today. but there was a problem. in the scene they were taking today, she was supposed to cry but she couldnt. i wanted to help her so i brought her to a corner, told her to nurture her saddness and tears. my intention to teach her how to cry, resulted me in rolling tears..

i cried, because the setting was good (you know good dark little corner). most importantly, those tears were long kept.. sooo deeply hidden in me, has been looking for a way to squeeze them out...

starting april, it will be a tough 3 months ahead. the toughest should be in june... end of june....i never understand this could be so tough... last time a sister in Christ share with me how she wanted a holiday at the peak of the toughness, i couldnt understand why she needed to do so... but now, when i am experiencing it myself, i want to do the same.

last sat, i brought this to dw, telling him i want to go for a holiday end of june. with much effort, i managed to 'squeeze' out my reason, and of course resulted with teary eyes... but i hid them well... i guess he did not see them...

i really hope that by God's grace, this thing can end. and only God's miracle can put a full stop to it. But God seems to want me to walk through this thing...

煮 妇 心 声

我 该 怎 么 说， 我 该 怎 么 写 呢？ 此 刻 的 我 情 感 泛 滥， 心 境 复 杂， 有 许 许 多 多 的 话 语 想 倾 诉， 但 是 缺 少 知 音。。

刚 刚 与 三 个 中 学 同 学 聚 会 回 来。 认 识 我 的 人 都 知 道 我 以 前 是 不 喜 欢 出 席 之 类 的 聚 会 的。 因 为 觉 得 大 家 总 是 在 暗 地 里 比 较 来 比 较 去， 而 自 己 往 往 是 那 个 输 的 很 惨 的。 没 有 会 员 卡， 没 有 高 收 入， 没 有 高 档 的 职 业 称 呼。。。 什 么 都 没 有。

可 能 是 年 龄 渐 增 和 有 了 家 庭 孩 子 的 关 系， 自 己 在 不 知 觉 中 不 再 排 斥 这 样 的 聚 会， 反 而 开 始 怀 念 老 同 学， 想 找 机 会 彼 此update 一 下。 于 是， 今 天 便 高 兴 地 与 三 位 老 友 聚 了 聚。。。

或 许 是 大 家 都 成 熟 了， 已 看 透 了 所 谓 的 身 份、 名 利， 彼 此 的 比 较 少 了 很 多， 甚 至可 说 几 乎 没 有（ 若 我 不 是 过 度 单 纯 地 一 方 面 相 信 大 家 的 真 诚）。 不 过， 由 于 事 面 广 了， 事 业 也 多 少 稳 了， 大 家 的 话 题、 品 味 也 不 再 依 旧 了。

当 他 们 讨 论 着 刚 游 香 港 的 经 历 和 计 划 下 一 站 到 日 本 的 假 期， 以 及 要 托 付 彼 此 买 这 买 那 时， 我 发 现 自 己 脱 节 了。 香 港？ 去 过 一 次， 那 是1998 年 的 事。 天 啊，11 年 前！ 日 本？ 我 想 都 不 敢 想。 听 说 那 里 的 东 西 超 贵， 而 且 去 也 只 是 购 物 吧。。。 我 不 是 很 喜 欢 购 物。

接 着， 她 们 决 定 闲 逛 一 下。 进 的 是 我 没 听 过 的 名 牌 服 装 店， 看 的 是 某 品 牌 的 高 级 化 妆 品。 我 那 时 开 始 觉 得 自 己 格 格 不 入， 象 是 从 乡 村 去 到 城 市。 朋 友 察 觉 了 我 的 别 扭， 企 图 与 我 对 话， 开 始 用“ 煮 妇” 的 言 语 与 我 沟 通， 问 我 孩 子 喜 欢 什 么 玩 具； 通 常 在 哪 里 用 餐； 买 菜 去 哪 里 买 等。。。 顿 时 心 里 觉 得 怪 怪， 真 是 无 法 形 容。

天 啊， 突 然 觉 得 自 己 好 糟 糕。 自 己 真 的 变 成 煮 饭 婆 了？ 我 真 的 就 这 样 裹 足 不 前、 变 成 了 山 瑞 的 亲 戚， 山 龟 了？

朋 友 当 中 有 已 婚 的。 当 她 们 分 享 了 自 己 的 日 本 计 划 和 香 港 的 旅 行 经 历， 然 后 问 我 带 过 孩 子 到 哪 里 旅 行 时， 我 心 里 开 始 产 生 了 内 疚 的' 比 较'。 可 是 我 要 埋 怨 吗？ 自 己 既 然 选 择 了 呆 在 家 里 好 好 地 栽 培 孩 子， 选 择 了 以 生 养 众 多 为 满 足， 那 就 不 应 该 比 较， 不 是 吗？ 但， 我 还 是 人 呀！

虽 然 此 刻 心 情 还 是 不 平 衡， 可 是 毕 竟 是 自 己 选 择 的 道 路。 一 切 都 是 自 己 选 择 的， 所 以 必 须 知 足。 也 许， 知 足 长 乐 的 这 个 啊Q 精 神 也 是 一 门 值 得 学 习 的 学 问！

sweet dream

last night i dreamt myself delivered a baby (looks like a boy). But then i was feeling odd cuz i was not intending to breastfeed him. (hey, i want to breastfeed all my children!)

It was a sweet dream. i hope it will come true soon.

wonder why did i have such dream... was it cuz too much thinking in the day? could it be due to my 'mental alarm for due date'? or (hopefully is) God is telling me this day has come....

i was teasing yongqi yesterday when he kept asking for 'nei nei'. i put him into breastfeed position, tell him 'nei nei' is here... haha... teasing him and telling him how he drank from me last time... so daily activity made me have such dream?

dw and i want to have a new born in 2009. thus, if you calculate the date, i must conceive latest march 09 in order to realise this 'dream'. and today is last day of march. maybe the dream was due to my 'mental alarm of the date due'...

lastly, could it be a prophetic dream from God telling us baby on the way? hehe... let's hope so...

this third baby is definitely special to me and my family. on his arrival, you people who read this blog must come visit me at hospital and share my joy! and i am going to get a single room stay so that all of you can have a party in there... hahaha...

dream dream dream... may the dream be realised soon... Amen!