do what i could and what i should....

It was my dad's birthday last monday. We celebrated it for him at downtown east sakura.

To me, i feel that it was a breakthrough, for me and perhaps my family. Cuz it has been so many years since we last celebrated his birthday together as a family. past years, we used to give him an ang pow as he was always not keen to accept our invitation for a meal. He always claimed to be busy. But i think its more of avoiding...

for myself, i would say that it is God's grace that my relationship with my dad has improved over the recent years. i used to dislike him.... hate him to be exact. It is only recently i realise that the reason behind the hatred is due to disappointment. cuz my expectation for him. as my dad, is high and he didnt pass that, so i was sort of hurt, very much. but who is born to be a good parent? for most of their generation, it is through their own parents, they learnt about parenthood. i think he himself is also a victim of a malfunction family.

there were so much in him that i dislike. but sadly, after preparing for my couple group meeting, topic on our original family, i realise that i am so much like him. the temper, spending pattern and many more...

i was the one suggested this birthday lunching. of course with the support of my the another two elder sisters. during the lunch, i have certain gestures that i want to let him feel comfortable, accepted, happy and that he is important. i think my sisters might be quite shocked and uneasy esp when i presented (my creation using small cakes and a banana at the buffet counter) the cake and initiated to sing a birthday song. i know this is a crazy idea. but at that moment, my objective is to let him be happy. yes. i am sort of 'por-ing' him... it was very obvious. i did that cuz i want to let him know the family still care for him.

everybody needs to be loved and felt cared for. despite how wrong he was and how much he had hurt, i cant deny that he loves us, his children, very much. and i believe that, only love can turn him into a better person.

somehow, this reminded me, 14 years ago, i did the same thing to my beloved grandma (my dad's mum). that time i was 19 year old. none of her children bothered to initiate a celebration with her as a family cuz she was quite a difficult person to handle. i was the one who initiated a birthday party for her in a restaurant. i can still remember how happy she was. and i never regret doing so. though most of the guests who attended were there 'to eat' more than 'to bless', they even hardly interacted with her that night... but i am thankful for their presence. cuz it was their presence that make my ah ma happy, not the food, not the setting... its their attendance. cuz she felt that these people who attended, they bothered to come... i believed that if any guests whom she invited did not turn up, she would be very sad and disappointed.

there are so many things we can do to those people who love us and those people whom we love. Do it now, before they leave. my uncles and aunties now will pay respect at my ah ma's tomb on her death anniversary. i have never been there since that year she died. guess no one would dare to reprimand me about it (my grandma loved me very much when she lived). cuz i have done what i should and what i could when she could feel!

战 争

每 一 天 都 是 一 场 战 争！ 尤 其 是 周 日 的 早 上和 晚 上。 早 上 必 须 把 熟 睡 的 咏 恩 拖 起 床、 晚 上 要 把 精 神 弈 弈 的 她 赶 去 睡 觉！ 她 和 我 一 样 是 一 个 夜 猫 子， 白 天 是 慢 开 启 的 旧 车， 黑 夜 是 一 部 有 待 奔 驰 的 宝 马！ 而 咏 恩 这 个 家 伙 有 一 个 毛 病。 这 家 伙 是 不 折 不 扣 的 “敬 酒 不 吃 吃 罚 酒” 的 虐 待 者！ 只 要 我 哪 时 对 她 稍 微 好 些， 她 就 会 连 扯 带 抓 地 爬 到 我 头 上 拉 屎 拉 尿！ 比 如 昨 晚 我 心 血 来 潮， 拿 了 当 年 结 婚 的 照 片 出 来 和 她 一 起 翻 看， 谁 知 道 这 家 伙 一 看 看 了3、4 回 还 不 肯 睡 觉！ 我 于 是 开 始 用 严 肃 的 态 度 警 告 她 该 上 床 睡 了， 可 她 却 开 始 闹！ 哇～～ 她 越 闹 我 火 越 大， 一 直 警 告 她 不 要 再 惹 我 了。。。 她 还 是 不 醒 目， 结 果 搞 到 一 把 鼻 涕 一 把 眼 泪 地 睡 觉。。。
早 上， 我 企 图 叫 醒 她， 她 不 是 赖 床， 左 躺、 右 趴， 就 是 直 喊 叫' 我 很 累'。 在 时 间 的 紧 迫 下， 我 不 得 开 始 恐 吓 她。 我 半 拖 半 拉 地， 把 她“ 搞” 到 厨 房， 她 却 躺 在 那 里 闹 起 来！ 于 是， 我 终 于 拿 出 我 的 “武 林 至 尊， 宝 刀 屠 龙， 号 令 天 下， 谁 敢 不 从，pia pia 不 出， 谁 与 争 风” 的pia pia 倚 天 剑！ 霹 雳 啪 啦 地 乱 大 了 一 番， 她 便 一 边 哭 一 边 慢 条 斯 理 地 就 范。
我 想 左 邻 右 舍 都 听 见 我 这“siao char bor” 的 嘶 喊 声。 我 真 的 很 讨 厌 自 己 这 个 样 子！ 主 啊， 求 您 怜 悯 我。 给 我 智 慧 和 耐 心， 让 我 不 需 要 发 疯 就 可 以 让 咏 恩 合 作。 因 为 继 续 这 样， 我 相 信 我 会 带 给 我 的 孩 子 肉 体 上 和 心 灵 上 的 伤 害。

ernie and elmo

My favourite song by ernie and elmo.

A Wedding Party

Attended a wedding party of my two church friends on saturday.
Memories flooded into my mind as i witness their church ceremony and banquet dinner.

i shed tears (ok this time the 'eye juice' just rolled in the eyes..) the moment the bride marched into the church with her dad... such a touching moment. i remembered i was holding my tears 5 yrs back when my dad did the same ritual with me.. my dad seldom hold me... it was the first time ever since i started to be 'righteous' against him... the holding, melted my heart... i am glad that i heeded the advice of my pastor to let my dad hold me instead of my mum.. this was the starting point of dad and daughter relationship revival.

'my dad holds me', this was exactly what i kept thinking while marching into the church. Thank God for such a wonderful experience. after then, he handed me to the man of my life--- my husband ttw. I admired him for 2 yrs before we started off with this relationship. 'Finally i am off the shelf' was the next thought at that moment. My heart just couldn't stop giving thanks.... When our good friends, Allison and Choo Kok, the mcs for our whole day event started to worship, gosh, my tears, like the running tap water, gushed like nobody's business... i was so worried that my fake lashes and mascara would smerge like panda eyes....

The tears, were tears of thanks giving. Really. So thankful to my God, who has always been there for my ups and downs. My best friend. My counsellor. My protector. all the best of Him, I have never failed to experience. Just because of His grace and love. Thank God!

Ling was not the same on saturday. She was cool. She even danced while worshiping. haha.. I couldn't help laughing at her... she was not that kind of traditional bride. She wouldn't want to be one i guess. She got her own style.

its a special day. The best day a woman would ever dream. The limelight is always on the bride. it is her most beautiful day... and her best memory. Ling's wedding once again reminded me how blessed i am. I have a loving husband. He is the best person for me. Its not easy to take all my nonsense without complain. But he passes that. Sometimes i feel that i failed him... as i am not a good wife. i grumble and complain... sometimes even thought that i am superior than him... not to realise until then that i am in fact ignorant and foolish.

My husband has led me and influence me positively. he even does my duties without a word of grumble. he does the laundry, washes the toilet, even scrubs the stove after my cooking... other than that, he never fails his own duty. He works very hard for the family. Though he seems to be quite stingy to others out there... but i would dare to say that his charity contribution is more than most of you... well, ok, he loses to those who only recite charity using their mouth perhaps..you know, for those who only talk about it and no action! ttw does not like to talk much about what he does and about to do.

It is good to be a married woman. I have no regret entering into this marriage. God bless us with two wonderful children, a 3 half years old girl and a 1 half year old boy. Perhaps God will continue to bless us with more, I don't know. But many people say that my children are miracles. because I have got irregular menses, meaning, my ovulation is in a mess. maybe 1/3 of normal women's chance to conceive. Yet, after nine months of marriage, our first girl was conceived. God's grace. Thus, she is to sing and praise His grace.

Lord, i really thank You for my marriage and family. May your blessing also pour upon my wedded and couple friends. Let their relationship improve each day and let Your grace be with them too. As for those who are single, Lord, please give them a partner and lead them to come together. Thank you Lord. In Jesus's name, Amen.

郭富城 - 到底有誰能夠告訴我

好 想 念 过 去 的 一 切。。。

可 否 回 头

近 期 疯 狂 于 在youtube 里 头 观 看video clip。 对 许 多 好 奇 的 事， 无 论 大 小， 我 都 在youtube 里 头 满 足 了 自 己 的 好 奇 心。 所 看 到 值 得 提 的 是 有 关 生 产 （ 包 括 剖 腹 生 产）、 为 死 人 处 理 善 后 事（embalming, 包 括 化 妆， 解 剖。。。 我 看 这 个 因 为 我 想 知 道 当 年 他 们 怎 样 处 理 了 我 的 嬷 嬷。。）、 连 体 怪 胎、 堕 胎 等 等 等。。。 想 到 什 么 就 看 什 么。。。
接 着 通 过 一 起 长 大 的 堂 妹 的 引 荐， 我 开 始 看 当 年 我 们 曾 经 疯 狂 迷 恋 过 的 歌 星 与 流 行 一 时 的MTV。 看 了 之 后 实 在 叫 我 感 慨 万 分。。。 唉， 自 己 原 来 老 了 那 么 多。。。 那 些 仿 佛 昨 天 才 流 行 的 歌 曲， 既 然 已 是 十 多、 二 十 年 前 的 金 曲 了！！！ 可 怕 极 了！
看 了 这 些MTV， 自 己 好 象 回 到 了 年 轻 时 段。 自 己 过 去 的 点 点 滴 滴、 酸 甜 苦 辣 刹 那 间 涌 入 思 潮， 实 在 叫 我 非 常 怀 念。

好 想 回 到 自 己 的 过 去， 好 想 回 到 当 年 儿 时 的 环 境。 即 使 是 看 看 而 以， 我 也 会 心 满 意 足 的。 真 的， 很 有 一 股 冲 动 想 在youtube 里 头 找 一 些 关 于 自 己 的 蛛 丝 马 迹， 但， 事 实 上， 是 不 可 能 的。。
我 想 当 主 耶 稣 来 到 时， 我 们 他 便 会 让 我 们 看 见 关 于 自 己 的 片 段。 我 好 期 待 那 一 天 的 到 来， 因 为 我 期 盼 看 见 自 己 的 一 切。。。 也 许 一 直 留 恋 在 过 去 是 不 健 康 的， 但 过 去 真 的 有 太 多 让 我 怀 念 的。 尤 其 是 我 的 嬷 嬷。。。 主 啊， 求 您 大 显 慈 爱， 让 我 的 嬷 嬷 有 您 的 怜 悯， 让 她 得 以 进 入 您 的 恩 典， 让 我 们 能 够 重 逢。 啊 们！

working life

suuuper deee duper long time never blog le.....
cuz i am supppper dddddeduuuper buuuzzzzzzzy.....
other than my girl has started going to school, i have started to work since 11th this month. i am working for xprienz pte ltd, as a central admin person for their Food Hygiene Course.

my work place is near to my girl's kindergarten. every morning after sending her to school i will go to the 'office' (it doesn't look like one lor) to do filing, invoicing and data updating. then 3 hours later i will fetch my girl home from school and put the children to nap. while they nap, i got to start updating my list for those people who have registered for the course either via phone calls or email. other than that, phone calls come in every now and then. on average, i could simply handle about 10 calls, clear about 10 emails on course related enquiries.

i realise it is really not easy though i am working from home most of the time. i find myself neglected my children. my girl would request me to stop working, shut my computer to accompany her. my boy would sometimes go hungry due to a past-timed feeding...

guess i really need to adjust myself. i told myself that other than handling calls, i will not do anything job related after my children wake up from nap.... i am still trying ... cuz i abit workaholic, want everything done...

the most headache issue i am facing now is that i really need someone to help me take care of my son while i go to the office in the morning. for the past weeks, dongwei's cousin had been helping me to take care of qi. but she will be starting work april. so i have to find alternative le. my boss (kok) doesn't mind me bringing qi along to the work place. but i am stressed with him around. he would touch and tug and even climb anything available. including computer, fridge.... and the shop door is open. he can easily roam away without anyone knowing....

my friend suggested me to put qi in half day care nearby the place i work (by april he is alr 18 months). i have ever thought of it before. but he is too young. he might fall sick easily due to weak immune. i feel that i have failed my mothering role to him. i remember last time when en was at that age, i spent so much time talkin with her and teaching her all sorts of thing. for qi, i only manage to take care of his basic daily needs. now whenever i want to play with him, en will grab the attention by quickly block qi and come near me.. then that poor boy could only whine whine whine and walk away, help himself with the toys.

God, please tell me is it Your will for me to work... I have to admit that i enjoy working and feel great sense of achievement in this job. but i have neglected my precious children.... Lord, if You allow me to work, please grant me the wisdom and capability to be able to cope with both ends. let me have peace Lord instead of guilt. i feel that i have no turning point due to some hidden reason.. i feel sort of geared to work le.. but no matter how much i like my job (and the $), as long as my husband requested me to drop the work, i will do so.